Breakups are rough. It’s common to second guess yourself and feel lost after a breakup. Most people can’t help but wonder if they made the right decision. You spent so much time with your ex that even if the relationship was broken you’re still gonna miss their smell, their little quirks, the way they touched you, and all the fun times you shared. Some people choose to have rebound sex to fill that void, some end up having sex with their exes, and some take a break from any kind of relationships and stay celibate or have sex with themselves. We experience loss and emotional stress during any breakup, and our body responds in different ways – some people lose their sex drive, and some start having too much sexual energy. All of these options are totally normal, as long as they help you heal and move forward with your life.
We prepared some useful advice for you on how to get back to having casual sex and dating after a breakup.
Make sure that you’re ready
Give yourself some time to process the breakup and make plans on what you want to do next. It’s best if you don’t bury your feelings during this stage and just let yourself heal. It’s ok to feel sad, angry, or lost. Just make sure you’re kind to yourself during the healing process. Some meditation, family/friends time, good sleep, tasty food, and exercise might help you get back on track mentally.
Sydney Sex and Relationships Therapist Amanda Joy Robb says: “It’s normal to feel grief that you’re in a different life stage. I encourage anyone that is feeling this way to get themselves into an emotionally healthy and empowered space first. Determining your sense of self, who you are now and who you want to be can all contribute and help in the journey to meeting someone. It’s really important to have a reset after a breakup and take the time to deal with this life change.”
When you’re finished with mourning your previous relationship, you’ll naturally want to move on with your life. At some point, sex can also be a part of your self-care routine and help you get some addittional endorphines and reconnect with your body. However, if you’re feeling nervous and shaky when you think about having sex with somebody new, you might want to give yourself a little more time to heal. Because sex is all about feeling good and having fun with your partner.
And here’s another advice from Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey: “When you’re able to think about having sex without thinking about what sex was like with the partner you broke up with, you’re ready.”
Here are the questions to ask yourself before starting to look for a casual hookup:
- – Can I disassociate sex from love?
- – Am I emotionally stable enough to stay in a rational state of mind?
- – Am I sure I want to move on?
- – Are you excited to have a new sex partner?
- – Do you think it will heal you?
Find the right person
When you feel you’re finally ready to embrace your freedom by looking for a random rebound hookup, it’s time to go online and start swiping. It’s much easier to start looking for a new hookup partner online, and Pure app is arguably the best choice for that.
Pure has a large community of sex positive and adventorous people who are looking for a partner for a hookup. It’s the best place to start a hot sexting session with a good looking stranger, or to have a dirty video chat with the partner of your choice. Pure takes care of every aspect of your cyber safety – you can wear a virtual mask during video chats, and your photos self-destruct right after being seen. If you get tired of your match you can just leave the conversation and it will self-destruct as well. Besides, the app will send you a notification each time your match tries to take a screenshot of your conversation without your consent.
Sex and Relationships Therapist Amanda Joy Robb shares an advice for those who are not ready for an online adventure: “For people who have never done online dating, or for people who might be a little bit older, it can be really daunting. Look at what the norms are of dating now. If the online world is too scary, then there are different Meetups and community experiences you can do.”
Have Sex For The Right Reasons
Rebound sex can seem like a fun and harmless distraction, but it’s best to make sure that you do it for the right reason before starting to look for a hookup online. Your breakup might have knocked your confidence and hooking up with the first person you like in your dating app may just bring you more pain. Take your time to find a respectful and caring lover, who respects your boundaries and meets your needs.
Don’t try to get back at your ex by having random hookups. Your safety and comfort should be a #1 priority. Ideally, your hookup should help you rediscover parts of sexuality that you may have lost touch with. Physical and emotional intimacy will be drastically different from partner to partner.
Practice safe sex
When you start hooking up with a new partner, you don’t always know their sexual history. Even if a person looks healthy they might have some type of STD or STI. This is why you need to think through how you’re going to protect yourself. Keep in mind that both STDs and STIs are spread through bodily fluids like semen, blood, and vaginal fluids.
Here are a few easy steps to help prevent STDs:
- – Talk to your partner before having sex. They need to know that you take both yours and their health seriously. Discuss all of the methods you’re going to use to stay safe
- – Take showers before and after each sexual intercourse
- – No matter how much you trust your hookup partner, be sure to always use latex condoms (or other barrier protection methods). Condoms are 98% effective against most STIs, however, they don’t protect you from herpes, genital warts and syphilis. Remember that having an STI can also increase your risk for getting HIV
- – Use water-based lubricants that won’t damage or break condoms
- – Don’t have sex while you’re not sober
- – Get a vaccination for hepatitis B
- – Get tested regularly
Manage Your Expectations
Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey says: “The first time you have sex after a big breakup, the tendency is to want to make it into a relationship. The choices we make in the immediate aftermath of a breakup are often unhealthy ones.”
If you find that perfect partner for your rebound hookup be 100% honest with them about your situation. They should understand that you’ve recently gotten out of a relationship and you want to take things slow. Be aware of the fact that you might get attached to your new partner sooner than you expected, and as a result your feelings will probably get hurt.
Avoid comparing your hookup to your ex. It would be totally unfair to your new lover, and it will also bring you down and ruin all the fun in the moment.
If you decide to have sex with your ex, think twice
Hooking up with your ex is quite common. In fact, 27% of 17- to 24-year-olds reported having sex with an ex within a 2-year period, and 14% of individuals reported that their most recent casual sex partner was an ex.
Here’s a fun video from Cut YouTube channel where exes reveal if they had breakup sex:
While sometimes having sex with your ex turns out to be a great way to finally let go of your relationship, it can also turn out to be a huge mistake.
There’s an effective and easy technique to try and avoid the second option. Write a list of why you want to have sex again with your ex. If most of the list is about feeling lonely or unloved it’s important to rethink your decision because hooking up with your ex won’t help you heal those emotions.
Trust your gut and have fun
Trust yourself to make the decision, because nobody will know better what’s right for you.
You'll crave for more!
There are no real rules on how to have sex after a breakup. The best option is always something that feels safe and comfortable for you, and doesn’t cross your partner’s boundaries. Each person is different, each breakup is different. So it’s important that you practice self care, and even if you’re not having regular sex (or any sex at all) you feel good about yourself. If you’re not having fun then something is going wrong in your sex life. Be vocal with what you like or dislike and try out new things. And remember, bad dates make awesome stories!