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If you’ve ever wondered, “are my sexual fantasies normal?”, the answer is almost definitely yes. It’s completely normal to fantasize about different sexual acts and scenarios — in fact, almost everyone does it. It’s also normal to fantasize about something taboo or different from what you’d do in real life.
If you are interested in enacting a fantasy, though, it can be a great way to make your sex life more exciting and even become closer to your partner. But it requires a discussion and thorough communication.
Sex research Justin Lehmiller conducted a study on the most common male sexual fantasies and female sexual fantasies. What he found was that women’s top sexual fantasies, in order, were:
- Passion, intimacy, and romance
- Novelty, adventure, and variety
- Bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM)
- Multipartner sex
- Swinging, polyamory, and open relationships
- Sexual taboos
- Same-sex encounters
- Gender-bending
Men’s responses weren’t so different; their rankings were:
- Passion, intimacy, and romance
- Novelty, adventure, and variety
- Multipartner sex
- Bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM)
- Swinging, polyamory, and open relationships
- Sexual taboos
- Gender-bending
- Same-sex encounters
See? Almost identical! That means that whether your partner is male or female, chances are you’ve had similar fantasies to them. If you open up to them about your fantasies, they may even want to enact them with you. So, with that in mind, here’s a guide to enacting each of these sexual fantasies for couples.
1. Passion, intimacy, and romance
99% of both men and women have fantasized about passion, intimacy, and romance, so you most likely can’t go wrong by cultivating feelings of emotional closeness with a partner. You can do this in simple ways, like lighting candles by your bed, taking a bath together, saying “I love you” during sex, or even just looking into each other’s eyes. You can also make an evening of it and plan out a massage or romantic dinner beforehand.
2. Novelty, adventure, and variety
Many adult sexual fantasies center on doing something out of the ordinary, like having sex in a new location, role-playing, or trying a new position. Switching up your location is one of the easiest ways to do this; if you’re feeling adventurous, you can get a hotel for the night, but even just doing it in a different room of the house can add excitement. You can also try bringing in a couples’ vibrator or another sex toy to spice things up.
3. BDSM
BDSM can mean many different things, from handcore sadomasochism to light bondage. If you want to dip your toes in the water and see if the concept appeals to you, you can try incorporating a simple prop like handcuffs or a blindfold, or basic power play, like spanking. Beforehand, you’ll want to discuss your desires and limits and create a safe word that you can say in order to stop the activity if you choose.
4. Multipartner sex
Many people fantasize about threesomes, orgies, and other forms of sex involving multiple people. Since this can bring up jealousy for some people, you’ll want to discuss in advance exactly who you want to bring in and what kind of interaction you will each have with them. In order to find someone, you can create a joint profile on a dating app, or join the app Feeld, which is specifically for threesomes.
5. Swinging, polyamory, and open relationships
Wanting an open relationship is a discussion that goes beyond sex. There are many different kinds of non-monogamy: polyamory means having multiple romantic relationships, while some open relationships only involve multiple sexual relationships. Swinging in particular generally means going out and meeting other couples together for the purpose of sexual activity; you can look up local swingers’ parties and even swingers’ resorts to explore this lifestyle.
6. Sexual taboos
Many people are aroused by the idea of doing something taboo, which might involve exhibitionism, voyeurism, or fetishes. You might scratch this itch by going to a nude beach or sex party together, watching porn together, or filming yourselves having sex. If you have a specific fetish you feel comfortable telling your partner about, ask them without placing any pressure on the situation if they’d like to try incorporating it into your sex life.
7. Same-sex encounters
If you’re in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, talking to your partner about same-sex encounters will usually mean talking about either bringing in a third person or allowing you to have other relationships. Explain to your partner that your desire for a same-sex partner doesn’t mean you lack desire for them, and see what they’re open to. They may even be turned on by the idea of a threesome.
8. Gender-bending
This category includes dressing up in the opposite sex’s clothes or otherwise playing a “masculine” or “feminine” role during sex. One act that can feel like a role reversal to some couples is pegging, where a woman penetrates a man using a strap-on. What someone might consider masculine or feminine is very subjective, though, so use your imagination.
When talking to your partner about sexual fantasies, make sure you start by talking about what you like about your sex life, rather than framing it as a solution to a problem. Tell them you love having sex with them and would be excited to try something new. Then, if you do enact a fantasy, you should also talk afterward about how they felt about it, and use that feedback to make it even better next time.
